Live it. Forgive it. (pt2)

Physical, Mental, Spiritual.
Body, Mind, Soul.

Right now all three are being neglected.

Physically I am not looking after my body: movement, food, sleep, alcohol.

Mentally I am not looking after my psyche, my ego: living arrangements, personal space, history, storage.

Spiritually I am most nourished, but even there I am not looking after myself as well as I could. Daily practice, overt expression in speech and action.


And interesting that I am craving to work with my hands: rawhide, clay, stone, wood, glass. Craving to start dance classes.
My body is shouting at me loud and clear. I have been neglecting physical experience. My body is singing for use, for pleasure, for the ecstasy of movement in harmony: with material substance, music, another human.

Mentally I am putting myself through experiences which feed my ego's negativity and strength. I need to amend this soon and quickly.

And I need to find a way to make peace with it until it is practically possible to change it.

Which brings me back to the start. This is why I must get to know it. This is why I must explore the sorrow, fear and shame. This is why I walk into the darkness. To know it. To see it. To love it as part of me. Part of the beauty and the humanity of who I am.

Time for another soul quest ...

Where am I most afraid to go?
Then that is where I am going.

Live it. Forgive it.

I'm going down down down
I'm going down down down
I'm going down down down
Like Innana ...
                       (quoted from ALisa Starkweather - Going down like Innana from Daughter of the Earth - www.myspace.com/alisastarkweather)

Live it. Forgive it.

So what am I here to do?
I have 8 days flat sitting. Here at the home of two spiritual beings. Two strong female companions. By myself. With cat.

What is important here? What really matters? Right now - getting myself on an even keel. Internally. And how do I do that?

I walk into the darkness.


Night time rituals.

Sadness to explore.

Fear to explore.

Soul to hear.

Desire a doorway to that sorrow. Why?
What is desire hiding? Masking?

An externalized push for connection, affirmation, relationship. Be that partner or child. An externalised reaching for love.

When did I leave my husband? When did I push that externalized version out?
When I realised I loved myself more than to keep putting myself through those relationship dynamics. When I loved myself enough to not need external affirmation.

And to get there again I need to get to the root of the sorrow and fear and shame. Yes, shame is there too. That's a surprise. Been a while since she reared up. And as yet she is floating, unconnected to any event. That definitely needs exploration. What am I ashamed of?

Dig dig dig. Tunnel down. Step into the black sea.


Feel it. Know it. Live it. Forgive it.

Live it.
Forgive it.
Love
Love
Love.

Wise Woman Warrior Queen Stand Up.
I shall soon be calling on you.

Mage Priestess Lover I need you now.
We will be journeying together this week.