Time to soak and settle ...

Ah, the low point. The time when my skin is thin, and everything feels like a comment on my person. On who I am. On who I was. Judgement all around. Whose judgement? Well ... Mine actually. Projections all. And I've been waiting for this. The crash. Because the high, the adrenalin of change, cannot last. Never does. And neither should it. The body can only sustain a certain amount of stress response positively. If it is prolonged then things start shutting down - the metabolism for one. Then the physical effects become dangerous, damaging. And so what do I do?

I look after myself. And how do I do that? I respond to my body's needs. For sleep. For pampering. For change. Time for the hair to be cut and dyed. Time for a long soaky bath with oils and salts. Time for napping and eating well. No more pizza. More salad. Fresh, growing things. Seeds and nuts and berries. Peppermint tea to calm the stomach. Camomile to calm the spirit. Conversations with parents to touch base with humans who hold me in high positive regard. Conversations with the Sea and Nature to touch base with the bigger picture, and to touch base with the part of me that holds me in high positive regard.

Not time to be trying to learn a new language of website making. It's all washing over me anyway. I understand the words, but not the meaning. My head is swimming. And there are so many 'shoulds' and 'oughts' attached to it. I am an intelligent person. Computer literate. I 'should' be able to do this. I 'ought' to be able to understand. This 'should' be easy. Gah.

And grief. I have avoided the grief of the changes. I have avoided the grief of the endings and the leavings. Bypassed it with spirit. Bypassed it with prayer. Bypassed it with action. Bypassed it with alcohol. And now it is upon me, and I cannot bypass any longer. Now is time for grieving. To acknowledge all that I have been through this year, and cry for the losses. To feel the sorrow, and the anger, and the pain. Not to negate the positives. They are there, and will remain there - concomitant. The other side of the coin. This is all part of being human, and living this thing we call life. Don't mean it's comfortable of course. If it were comfortable, easy, there would be no alcoholics, drug addicts, yo-yo dieters, adrenalin junkies, escapism, depression, consumerism. Hey, at least I don't have any money to blow!

What I do have is a women's circle and a study group to connect with tomorrow and Wednesday. People of a common inclination to Be with. People who Know me, or are prepared to. People to whom it does not matter whether I read the same books or like the same TV or listen to the same music. People who can hear my sadness without feeling uncomfortable, or at least without feeling that they need to fix it, or rescue me from it. People that I trust in this response.

And soon. Soon will come the time when I need to address that trust issue within myself. I know where it comes from. Many years of psychotherapy and counselling have uncovered those stories. Now what I need to work on is my response to them. Awareness and compassion for my wounded self. I feel a ritual coming on ... And Equinox is soon. Although, perhaps new moon or Samhain would be better times. When the time is right, I will know.

And now my bath is almost drawn. So time to soak and settle. Good bye for now ...