Trust, Love, Walk gently.

Hey hey hey here I am. It's 2.38am. It's actually 1.38am, but the clocks just stole an hour.

I went to a Red Tent today. A circle of women, gathering around new moon. To honour their journeys as women. A Women's Lodge as it were.

 

And I was not comfortable. They were all beautiful women. Welcoming and lovely. And yet I was not comfortable.

I knew one woman there. This was not it.

I was expecting another friend to be there, and she was not. This was not it. 

It was a new group. This was not it. 

It was a group. This might have something to do with it. 

I was not the youngest. This might have something to do with it. 

I am stuck in my head. This definitely has something to do with it. 

I was very irritable today. This definitely has something to do with it. 

The other women knew each other, were friends. This has something to do with it.

They all seemed so deep in their presence. This has something to do with it.

Compare = despair. I know I know.

So many things running round my head. So many archetypes. Words. Words. Words. Anima Animus. Sovereign Lover Magician Warrior. Soul. Heart. Mind. Body. God. Goddess. Universal Spirit. Nature. Mother Father. One. Connection. Grief. Ego Id Superego. Psyche. Laughter. Joy. Sorrow. Anger. Menstruation. Individuation. Voice. Where is that? Which voice do I use? Observations. Grinning out of discomfort, not out of happiness or mischief. Twisting in my seat. Fidgety. Unfocussed. Should be doing. Should have done. Supposed to. Ought to. Bills. Money. Moving home. Finding home. Wounded child. Ideal parent. Parenting myself. Twisted forehead frown. Too much too much too much. Hormones. Need. Receiving. Giving. Physical contact. Kindness. Shared food. Bitty bitty bitty. In-cohesive. Whoa man, heavy heavy. Impatient. Restless. Ungrounded. Floating balloon. When do I pop? Shatter in the atmosphere. Fall to earth again? What voice do I use? Masculine. Feminine. Argh. ARGH! AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

When does it stop? How do I change? I am more aware, but it seems to make no difference. Still the voices run. The tapes call my bluff. Who the fuck am I? I have no idea any more. I am Martha. Am I? Yes. That is my name. But who is Martha? I am woman. Does that matter? I am, I think? I experience, I think? But how do you know you weren't born 30 seconds ago complete with memories? Don't. Can't. How do you know you are not the only person in existence and everything else is a figment of your imagination. Don't. Can't. Although that would make me one twisted fuck. Am I simply running? Am I, like everyone else in my imagination, simply trying to find something to cling on to to give meaning to this experience? Yes. And I did find it. For a while. And life was beautiful. Joyful. Powerful. And now it is gone and I am left bereft for/of the experience. And I am panicking. Come back! Come back! I want my Damned Enlightenment BACK! I don't want to sink back into depression. That thought scares the shit out of me. And I feel like I'm skirting on the edge of it. And I'm terrified. I was doing so well. But the tapes keep playing. The old habits return with such force. And I'm not sure any more. I thought I had a handle on it. Learned behaviour from my father. This is how you deal with life: i.e. you don't. You run away and stay in bed and hope it all disappears to be replaced with a fairy tale by the time you wake up. Because this shit still hurts. Familial patterns. Blah. What kind of role model did you have? Blah. I can't change the past. Blah. And it's passed. So why does it haunt me?

Learning for the first time to be on my own. Actually on my own. No man in tow. Anywhere. No fuck buddy. Can't do that any more it seems. Predator. Prey. Which one was I? Does it even bloody matter? I've been a shit. I've been shit upon. I've run. And run and run and run. I am tired of running. I want to stop now. “How many times a day do you laugh? Many times a day. I try to laugh as often as possible.” I also cry many times a day, but I don't suppose you want to know that do you? Please let this be my period. Please please please let this all be pre-menstrual. Oh God let this be pre-menstrual. How the fuck do I navigate this life stuff? How? How does anyone? So many kindly souls. So many kind people. So many kind women. And yet it all feels like bull. At the moment. I'm trying to be kind to myself. But my hair … is doing what it wants. And I have no bath to sink into. And showers just don't cut it. So much negativity. Sinking in the negativity. Where's my float? Where's my boat? What can I hold onto?

Tarot. No, I-Ching. What do you say?

Fire Lake 49: Ko/Revolution – Devotion to truth enables a revolution.

Changing line 3

Thunder Lake 17: Sui/Following – Do not argue with what is; simply follow the progress of truth.

Hmmm. Bugger. That old nutshell.

What stands out in the readings for these?

Ko: “A set of conditions … is ready to pass away in favour of a more beneficial situation. What enables this transformation is your conscious and vigorous adherence to correct thought and behaviour.” “Whatever change you aspire to … must be preceded by a change in heart, an active deepening and strengthening of your resolve to meet every event with equanimity, detachment and innocent goodwill. When this spiritual poise is achieved within, magnificent things are possible without.” “Indisputably, to lead one's inner self to truth and peace is to lead the outer world to truth and peace.”

Changing line: “Do not be hasty, neither should you hesitate excessively. Act with perseverance and gentleness when it becomes clear that the time is right.”

Sui: “It is essential now that you quietly accept the way things are.” “To resist events is similar to resisting the turning of the Earth – you only exhaust yourself in vain. To resolve a difficult situation, follow the good within yourself.” “Proceed gently, with balance.”

{Brown Walker, B. (1997). The I Ching or Book Of Changes: A Guide To Life's Turning Points.London: Judy Piatkus (Publishers) Ltd.}

So. Keep going. Things are ready to change. Be true to myself. Accept the way things are. Accept the way I feel. Chill out. Don't push. Don't hide. Follow the good within myself. Proceed gently. Be gentle with myself.

Like I said. That old nutshell.

Trust.

Love.

Walk gently.

Beach tomorrow then. And Sunshine.

Tea now. And sleep.

Laters all xxx