The Abortion Chronicles Part 3: How I made my decision.

So here's how I made my decision:

I noted my initial reaction: Oh shit. Oh Bollocks. Oh for fucks sake. Crap.
(Trans: Oh shit: There's two lines not one; Oh bollocks: okay, that means I'm pregnant; Oh for fuck sake: Now!? Really!?; Crap: I have to tell the father.)
I listened to the father's opinion.
I spoke to my women companions and listened to their experiences.
I sat with my shock, fear, anger, shame, sorrow, grief, excitement, joy and indecision.
I asked myself what I needed in order to make a clean and clear decision about the future of the pregnancy.
I followed the answer.
I saw my doctor - accompanied by a kind and loving friend.
I attended a pregnancy clinic and had a scan - from which I kept the picture.
I read all their literature, and laid out the options: keep it and raise it by myself, put it up for adoption, or terminate the pregnancy.
I spoke to my parents, and listened to their advice and offers.
I spoke to an adopted friend about their experience, and to someone who had sat on an adoption panel.
I spoke to the father.
I listened to my own internal moral monologue: the sacredness of life, the circumstances of conception: namely I was on the pill at the time, which meant that it fought through barriers to be conceived, my idea of souls choosing their parents, can I be a killer?
I spread the options in front of me.
I eliminated adoption on the basis of self knowledge: If I carried this child to term, I would not be able to give it away.
I meditated and prayed and paid attention to my dreams.
I listened to my body's reaction: sick and tired and knotted up and feeling hijacked.
I divined using Tarot, I-Ching, Animal Cards, and my pendulum.
I spoke tot he wind and the sea.
I weighed up all the gathered evidence and listened for my small voice.
I felt for the magnetic pull of instinct that I know and trust.
And my decision was clear.

This is not my time to mother another.

And.
I will do this as much my way as possible.
I will schedule the appointment for 14 weeks to give my body time to let go naturally if it's going to - given my history.
That will also give my mind and emotions time to come to terms with it.
I choose the procedure that allows me to be conscious and present for the event - no compulsory anaesthetic or analgesic of any kind, so that neither my body or my consciousness are anaesthetized.
I choose to be fully present to what I am doing. To fully experience my decision.
I educate myself as to the procedure and what to expect: how big will the baby be? What do the pills do physiologically? How long will it take?
I ask my Mum to be with me.
I will be gentle with myself afterwards.
I will allow myself time to physically recover.
I will take my child home to bury so that some life may come of it.
I will plant snowdrops in its memory.
I dedicate my life and work to it.

1st February 2012 ~1am