Can't sleep
Too awake
Maybe I should take a break
From waking worries that plague my mind
And go and see if I can find
Some stimuli of other kind ...
(By me, many years ago.)
And yet still poignant today. Ah the life of a nocturne ... Turns out that word is generally associated with music, but Wikipedia has a wonderful description which also seems to fit well to my usage: "Nocturnes are generally thought of as being tranquil, often expressive and lyrical, and sometimes rather gloomy ..." Pretty good description of me ...
Recently Moth has been visiting me. Calling to me. Oh night flyer you call to me: "find your light. Find your light. Find your light" and "beware of those false lights and electric bulbs - they really bugger us up." Give me open space and a clear night and I know my way. I know my way. And down here, in this safe little womb of a flat, the turning of the days can go by without notice. Suddenly it's dark, and I've not seen daylight. This safe womb of a home is now stifling. Constricting. In the same way I imagine the womb to become when it is time for birthing.
Yes. Time for birthing it is. A small birthing. A new home for the new year. (Happy new year by the way.) A safe cave of my own for wintering in. A place where I can hibernate. Where I can fully draw in and return to ground. This is my winter way after all. And I must follow my need. Not to do so is disastrous. It is no coincidence that all of my major depressions have been diagnosed around mid January. And I feel her here. So close. Always so close.
Michael has been with me too. And this one I find especially interesting: not being inclined towards angels and all that jazz from an intellectual point of view.
The time of action is upon me. It is time to find my light. It is time to find my cave. Ready for the time of shadows. Ready for the time of holding safe the grain of next years crop. It is the time to sort the wheat from the chaff, and the mouldy grain from the potentially bountiful. The re-drawing of the boundaries must now come. Ah, so much potential! So many different directions I could take. So much to review and revive and release. Sleep will follow.
I hope ...
